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Friday, April 22, 2011

Next Chapter - Family

I am finally entering the next new chapter in my life, and I'm ready to say farewell to my wedding obsessed world.  I'm hitting "unsubscribe" to a handful of wedding blogs right now.  Weddings are no longer the focus in my life.  My main focus is on my new family.  :)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

After I Do: Honesty & Lying

Communication, Honesty, and Lying - Do you ever lie to your spouse?  How honest does the honesty in your relationship go?

I am a very honest person, brutally honest at times.  I think that communication is so important in any relationship, whether it's a marriage, friendship, or a business relationship.  A lot of problems stem from lack of communication or miscommunication.  If you're going to communicate effectively, then you might as well be honest about everything.  There is no use lying unless you have something to hide.  When it comes to that point, then something has gone very wrong.

White lies aside (ex. birthday surprises), I do not lie to my husband.  I don't think it's even possible.  I want to share every detail with him, even the stuff he probably doesn't want to know.  Occasionally I will "lie" playfully, and he knows the real answer.  Hehe. I'm so bad at keeping secrets from him too.  One year I bought him the complete series of Friends on DVD for his birthday, and I told him a day or two before it came in the mail.  I really am that pathetic.

What about H?  Sometimes I think we're the same person.  We approach honesty and lying in the same way. The biggest secret he ever kept from me was the engagement ring and proposal.  He was itching with excitement to the point where he popped the question the same day the ring came in, which wasn't part of his original plan.  He wasn't even patient enough to keep the ring for a few days and wait for the weekend. Silly husband.

Big smiles plastered on our faces after H popped the big question

We both know that if either one of us every lied to the other, we have some serious problems.  It goes beyond the lying, and the problem goes down much deeper.  We try our best to be honest to one another at all times and to communicate -- the good and the bad .  Neither of us will accept lying or deception.

It's us against the world.  :)

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

Friday, April 8, 2011

After I Do: Changes

What's the biggest way you've changed personally now that you're married?  How did this change come about?

The biggest personal change would be growing from being a couple to a family. Marriage didn't change our relationship as a couple because we had the foundation of a marriage before the legal "I do."  When we discovered that I was pregnant, everything shifted for us.  Our priorities changed, and now we had to focus on having another being added to our super awesome team.

Seeing Ninja for the first time on the ultrasound screen.

Physically I have changed.  Have you seen my stomach?  Sure, there's only an extra 17lbs of me physically there, but the baby keeps growing every single day.  I waddle like a penguin.  I'm a lot slower, and I take my time when I go for a walk.  My lower back can't take too much activity either.  I bet I'm stronger though.  My  body had to adapt to carrying all of this extra weight after all.

Keep in mind that this photo was taken 3 weeks ago... I'm even bigger now.

Emotionally I have changed.  Pregnancy hormones are a pain in the butt.  One moment I could be crying over the silliest thing ever, and the next moment I am super frustrated with the world.  It's like that time of the month, except times that by ten.

There is this motherly side of me that has emerged from this whole pregnancy.  Maybe it naturally comes with the hormones?  I feel the need to take care of my little Ninja in every way possible.  I want to provide him with the best environment ever, and I love the little guy so darn much.  It's crazy how attached I am to him.  While I'm not exactly ready for the hours of labor or learning how to take care of an infant, I am looking forward to meeting him.  When I talk to him, I think he is listening and actually understands me.

Technically this change affects me the most due to the whole carrying-a-child-inside-of-me part.  Looking at the whole picture, the change affects us as a couple.  It turns our family of two into a family of three.  We will need to work together to learn how to become super awesome parents to a wonderful baby Ninja.  Our responsibilities will extend beyond taking care of ourselves, and we will have an extra being to love and smother with kisses all day long.  Boy it's one heck of a change, but we take the challenge with great stride.  It's part of our adventure.  It's our family.  :)

We're always ready for an adventure!

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

After I Do: Date Night

Do you and your spouse plan "date nights" now that you're married?  What's the most fun date you've been on since getting married?

Yes, we do plan date nights even as a married couple, especially in the remaining weeks before the baby arrives.  This is our last chance to have date nights without hiring a babysitter, and we sure do take advantage of it.

What is the typical date for a married couple?  Mainly, it goes unplanned.  We just go out, eat dinner, and shop around in the area.  It sounds kind of boring, but it is very much us.  Occasionally we'll toss in a movie or special outing to a new place.  I'm a fan of simply going to the coffee shop and sitting there for hours talking to each other. He's an even bigger fan of the diner experience, but it's getting more difficult to find decent diners in our area.

makes total sense why we love coffee shops & diners -- the first weeks of our relationship were spent there talking for hours
Korner Diner - Summer 2005

Since getting married, the most fun date we've had has been our yearly beach trip.  It sounds silly since we do it every single year, and technically it doesn't qualify as a "date," more or less just a trip.  I just love the excitement leading up to the big day and all of the planning that's involved.  By planning, I mean simply making sushi and prepping snacks for the road.  The feeling of the sun beating down on us and just being able to relax on the beach is perfection.  This year's trip was extra special too.  H met Delilah.  It was also Ninja's first beach trip (in the womb), and we didn't even know it!

making a pit stop for sausage at Helen's Sausage House... yum!!

being super awesome & enjoying the beach

Celebrating 5 years together, photo booth style!

Once the little Ninja arrives, our date nights will be spent mainly at home.  Instead of going out to eat, we'll order in.  We'll even make the adventure out to the library to borrow DVDs and have movie night at home with a bag of microwave popcorn.  Date night is all about spending extra quality time together with little interruptions.  I just love spending time with my husband.  :)

P.S. Occasionally we get dressed up for fancy dinners too!  It doesn't happen very often, but we have a blast every time we get a chance to spend too much money on a nice dining experience.

Wish I could say we paid for dinner, but it was our wedding present treat from Anthony & Melissa.  Thanks guys!!
Morimoto - Summer 2010

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

After I Do: Disagreements

How do you handle disagreements?  Do you and your SO have specific arguing styles? What topic do you seems to argue/disagree on the most?  What were some things you and your spouse have done to work out disagreements?

We're usually on the same page on a lot of things.  If we have differing views, we tend to talk to each other to further understand.  We agree more than we disagree. Sometimes it is okay to disagree.  We are individuals with our own opinions -- ex. condiments are yucky to me & yummy to him.  I'm obviously not going to push him to get rid of his condiments (although we could save a few dollars if we didn't have to buy mustard and ketchup... hehe).

As for arguments, they usually stem from frustration.  My husband doesn't get easily frustrated, but I'm the complete opposite at times.  Early in our relationship, I probably kept my feelings hidden but expressed it in my body language.  Then I stepped up to the plate, and I am brutally honest when something is wrong.  We have responsibilities at home, which mainly consist of keeping it clean and orderly (ha).  I try my best to clean up after everyone's mess, and I usually don't mind.  There are times when I ask H to put something away in the basement.  I will ask him multiple times over the course of weeks and sometimes months.  Eventually I reach my boiling point, and I get extremely frustrated.  Words are spoken.  My feelings are out in the air.  My voice probably gets louder, and I eventually leave the room.  H doesn't like seeing me upset. While I need some space to calm myself down, H is there following me like a lost puppy.  Poor hubby.

Now let's switch gears.  H does not like confrontation, and he never yells at me, ever! Sure, I get in trouble for heavy lifting while pregnant and such, but crazy old me actually tells him these things (the honest part of me comes out again).  By trouble, he just tells me not to do it again and to be careful.  "Ninja!"  Hehe.

What does he do when I'm the one yelling at him?  He keeps quiet.  Sometimes he doesn't know what to say or says the wrong things (he's in the spotlight).  He understands that I'm frustrated.  He understands that he should pick up some slack. It's just the point of getting there is hard for him.  He is a tad on the lazy side, like most men.  I know he appreciates the work I do around the house, and I would appreciate it if he could do more work sometimes.  In my pregnant state, I have to be more dependent on him to get a few tasks done -- ex. take the trash to the sidewalk, break down recycling boxes, and lift heavy items up or down the stairs.

By having our arguments, we both know that the issue has reached its boiling point.  I can't say that we effectively argue because a month later we might be having the same exact conversation.  It takes two people to work out a problem, and maybe I cannot take the laziness out of my husband.  I can either accept it or keep arguing whenever I reach maximum frustration.  I think it's still a learning process for me.

This was a lengthy response, and I'm not sure if I concluded anything about our argument styles or disagreements.  I think most of our arguments come from me being overwhelmed with my responsibilities and not having enough help.  How can we work on it?  I do my best to communicate.  Maybe it's up to my husband to contribute more?

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

After I Do: Divorce

What are your opinions on divorce?  Have your opinions changed now that you are married?  Do you and your SO openly talk about the possibility of divorce?  Why or why not?

My parents have been married for almost 40 years, and H's parents have been married for almost 30 years.  Even though my parents have been together for so long, I don't exactly believe that they are soul mates or have a healthy marriage.  At times I think it would be better if they were divorced.  They don't have the best relationship, and my mom drives my dad absolutely nuts.  She is super dependent on him to survive, and my dad would never leave her.  My dad wants to enjoy his life, and my mom is there preventing him from doing so.  It is a very odd relationship, and I wonder if they would be happier apart.

Asians don't accept divorce as an option, and I think we need to break that trend.  I most certainly do not want to be "stuck" in an unhappy marriage, and I don't want that to be the case for anyone else.  If trust is broken, cheating is involved, or abuse occurs, then there are necessary steps to take to determine where to go from there.  Therapy might be the first step.  Divorce might be the last one.  No one wants to become part of the divorce statistics, but I don't want any person to have to suffer in their marriage.  Of course I don't want people to consider divorce an option as an easy way out of a marriage.  Each and every relationship requires a lot of work from both partners.  You can't divorce because you don't want to work on the marriage.  That is just silly, but it does happen more often than I would like.

H and I talk about the possibility of divorce, and there are circumstances in which I would leave him.  I'll be honest here.  I do believe that we are soul mates, and we would have never gotten married if we didn't think that we were perfect for each other.  Communication and honesty is really important in a relationship.  I think as long as we can always trust and talk to one another, we will be happy as can be.  What about abuse?  What about cheating?  That's when we enter the territory for the possibility of divorce.  How can either one of us be happy if there is abuse or cheating?  How can we suffer and let our children suffer as well?  We would have to examine how we got into the bad place to begin with and see what our options are from there.  I would never rule out divorce.  I deserve to be happy.  H deserves to be happy.  Our children deserve to be happy.  It would be selfish for either one of us to stay in the marriage and continue to suffer.

That being said, I hope we never reach that point.  I have full confidence that we can make it through every bump in the road, and there is nothing that can break us apart.  We are partners in this game called life, and it will always be us against the world.

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!


After I Do:
Finances
Changes
Children
Wedding Regrets
Name-Change Decisions
Household Chores
First Anniversary

Leave & Cleave
In-Laws
Appreciation

Monday, April 4, 2011

Inspiration - Spud Bar

Dessert bars are sooo 2010.  Why not have a spud bar with the all the yummy potato fixings?  My baby is Irish, and he absolutely loves potatoes of all kinds.  I can see him running up to the table and grabbing every single item to sample.  Of course this is when he's old enough to attend an event with a spud bar and able to walk.  I'm getting a tad ahead of myself.  He's still in the womb!  Okay crazy mom mode just kicked in.  I'll make him a spud bar for his 2nd birthday party.  He should be able to fully enjoy it by then, right?  Yuppers!

Photography by Tinywater Photography
Floral Design & Styling by Botanica Floral Designs
Featured in The Inspired Bride

After I Do: Appreciation

How do you show your spouse that you appreciate them?  What does he/she do for you?

I tend to express my gratitude by saying "thank you" a lot.  Then it's usually followed by, "I appreciate it."  Haha. I am soooo obvious at showing how much I appreciate my husband.  Seriously though, I love the guy, and he puts up with a lot of my mess.  Don't worry.  I have to put up with a lot too.  Hehe.

By simply saying "thank you," I hope he does understand that I really do mean it.  I practically wake him up every single night to go downstairs to bring me another glass of water.  He never complains, and he always gets up to tend to my water needs.  Now if there is a huge noise in the middle of the night, chances are the guy is going to sleep right through it and not try to protect me.  I kid, I kid.

How do I know H appreciates me?  He says, "How do you put up with me?"  Enough said.  =P

So my husband doesn't bring me roses home every night (I would yell at him anyways.  Flowers die, and they are expensive), but he does bring home surprises every now and then.  I sobbed like a baby when he came home with a Valentine's day card.  I didn't even open it.  He simply handed over an envelope, and I cried instantly.  I didn't expect it one bit (we're not heart day people).  That card happened to be the very same card I lusted over at Anthropologie the week before.  He remembered.  :)


Then there is that one time when he brought home Girl Scout cookies after hearing me constantly talk about them.  He even tracked them down and made sure to buy me a box.  That made my week.  He entertained me and drove me everywhere in search of Lemonades too.

Oh and there was that period when I thought I was dying, and he came home with balloons for me.  I absolutely adore balloons, and the sight of them cheered me up right away.  That was the first time he ever bought me balloons, and it meant so much to me.  By the way, I wasn't dying.  I was pregnant.  Hehe.

My husband sure does love me, and I know he appreciates me just by the way he looks at me or the surprises he has up his sleeves.  He smothers me with hugs and kisses every single day.

examples of kisses -- Ocean City 2009

I'm really making H look like a super hero of a husband.  I'll just leave it at that.  No need for me to brag about my super power abilities to be the best wife ever.

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances
Changes
Children
Wedding Regrets
Name-Change Decisions
Household Chores
First Anniversary
Leave & Cleave
In-Laws

Friday, April 1, 2011

After I Do: In-Laws

What was your relationship with your in-laws like before you got married? What is it like now? What were specific things that lead to an improvement/degradation of your relationship with your in-laws? Do you have any tips for people struggling with relationships with their in-laws?

Haha.. I guess this topic had to come up.  It's not like I neglect to mention them in my previous posts or anything.  Oddly enough, this question does add more information behind my relationship with my in-laws that I may forget to mention in the heat of the moment.  Here goes!

Before marriage my in-laws were pretty awesome.  They're the kind of laid back Asian parents that I never knew existed.  H also comes from a pretty huge family on his dad's side, and I absolutely loved all family gatherings.  It fulfilled a part of me that I never had growing up with only my immediate family.  His parents welcomed me to their home when I separated from my own parents.  Even before then, they would allow me to stay the night in H's room with no problems.  They treated me like their own daughter early on.  His dad was especially supportive of our relationship.

I lived with my in-laws for two very long years.  It's not fun to live with your own parents, and it's not always fun to live with your future in-laws either.  For me it didn't feel like home.  Only my parent's house felt like home, which is odd given that it's kind of a restaurant and all.  So I had a very difficult time adjusting, and I never fully accepted it as home for me.  By the summer of 2009, I was really anxious to leave and find a house with H.  We had just begun our home search, and it was a tough time.  Every single thing bothered us, and we wanted to get out as soon as humanly possible.

Well this is when we first ran into problems.  His parents wanted to have a bigger role in our house buying process.  We offended them greatly, and they did not make us forget.  I saw an ugly side that I had never seen before.  Almost a year and a half later, and I still cannot forget what happened, nor can I fully get over it.

Fast forward to our wedding.  Oh boy.  This will be for another time when I can get into the full details of everything that went downhill.  Let's just say that I thought all of my ill feelings would at least start to go away by now.  Well they haven't, and I'm not sure if they ever will.

The house and wedding issues have changed my relationship with my in-laws.  I still carry around those bad feelings with me, and I don't know when I can eventually let go.  I am scared of how our relationship might change (better or worse?  who knows?) once Ninja arrives.  I prefer spending time with my own dysfunctional family over spending time with my in-laws sometimes.  It's weird.  Can we just rewind back 3-4 years when everything was just fine?  That would be great.

I have learned that my not so great relationship with my in-laws is common.  I am not alone in my struggle.  It is difficult to be accepted in a new family, especially when the prized first and only son is involved.  Yeah I thought I was the one being taken away from my family (that's what my MIL told me to my face).  It just so happens that I have taken their son away from the family home.  Who knew I was so evil?

Hopefully time will heal the wounds of the past.  Maybe a little baby will bring us all together?  Somehow I think it may cause more problems, but I'll let time tell.

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances
Changes
Children
Wedding Regrets
Name-Change Decisions
Household Chores
First Anniversary
Leave & Cleave

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

After I Do: Leave and Cleave

Leave and Cleave - Some people have trouble leaving and cleaving --  that is, they have difficulty adjusting to making their NEW family with their spouse as the primary family.  What was that transition like for you?  And how did your family of origin handle it?

Even though I knew H was the one for me when we first started dating over 5 years ago, I only knew how it felt to want to marry him.  I knew how it felt to be a team and to be on the same side.  Marriage didn't change that much for us because we had experienced most aspects of married life before saying, "I do."  The actual feeling of being a family settled in only recently for me.  Sure, you could say the physical addition of a baby would make us feel more like a family.  Even without the baby in my tummy, I feel like a family unit now more than ever before.

This is the start of our lives, and we are our own family now.  It is recognized through marriage by the ones around us.  Our priorities are to each other, and we take care of one another.  That doesn't mean that our parents don't mean anything to us anymore.  It just means that we need to take care of ourselves first sometimes.  It means that we have to focus on our relationship and our needs.

I know that it might sound silly, especially to our parents.  My in-laws would love for us to stop thinking about ourselves and to think about the families we came from.  What about our newly formed family of two?  They want us to call often, visit without being asked, and to invite them over every now and then.  Then we feel super guilty when it's been a few weeks without a visit, and I don't want to feel that guilt.  I want them to think of us as a family, one that may be busy on the weekends and unable to visit all the time.  We have priorities to get the house ready for our Ninja.  We need to enjoy the limited time to ourselves that we have before Ninja's arrival as well.  These are our needs, and I would love if my in-laws could see that too.

As for my parents, they do recognize us as a family unit.  They used to invite us over for dinner fairly often, but now they know that we can't visit as often anymore due to changes in our lives.  Instead my parents might make us some food and bring it over because they know we're busy.  Somehow they are very understanding in ways that I never knew possible years ago.

So now we're a family, and we're a growing family too.  Our needs will constantly change.  Our priorities will always be to one another.  We will never forget where we came from, and our parents will always be an important part of our lives.

our small family of three :)

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances
Changes
Children
Wedding Regrets
Name-Change Decisions
Household Chores
First Anniversary

Friday, March 11, 2011

After I Do: First Anniversary

How did you celebrate your first anniversary?  If you exchanged gifts, what did you get each other?

Since we have not reached our first year anniversary, I cannot tell you exactly what will happen.  I have a feeling that it will just be a relaxed evening at home with our little Ninja.  We'll break out the top layer of our wedding cake that has been resting in the freezer for the past year.  It'll be an interesting food experience.  I don't think either one of us has had year old cake before.  It'll be very low key.

Photo Courtesy of Jubilee Photography

I will admit that neither one of us thought that we would have a new addition in our family before our one year anniversary.  That does affect the way we will celebrate.  We can't exactly go on that honeymoon that we missed out on.  Having a family will change our priorities.

As for gifts, we're pretty content on the gifts we gave each other on our wedding day.  No need for anniversary gifts.  Now our money goes towards our family.  Oh how much changes when you fully become a responsible adult.  :)

I wonder if our wedding anniversary will one day be the only anniversary that we celebrate.  Currently we forget about the wedding, and we still celebrate our dating anniversary.  It's weird, but it still holds a very special place in our hearts.

at my sister's wedding -- our first month of dating

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances
Changes
Children
Wedding Regrets
Name-Change Decisions
Household Chores

Thursday, March 10, 2011

After I Do: Household Chores

How do you divide up the household chores?  Did it change, once you were married?  Do you divide your chores along gender lines/traditional stereotypes?  If so, was it intentional?

I can say that I pull a lot of weight in the household chores.  It's my natural tendency to want to clean and not be a slob.  That being said, H is more of the laid back type.  He usually makes the mess, and I'm there to clean up after him.  I wash the dishes, sweep the floors, do laundry, and all the basic stuff to keep the house tidy.  H does the manly stuff of sorts -- works on the car, cuts the grass, repairs what is broken, and occasionally listens to me when I ask him to help me.  We share cooking duty, and we both have our own special dishes that we individually make.  I will not clean toilets, and H will get to them after I ask him about a dozen times.  Hehe.

H hard at work replacing the broken garage opener

Marriage didn't change our roles, but my pregnancy did toss it up a bit.  Since I stayed at home, it made more sense for me to carry an extra load.  Before H would occasionally be in charge of dish washing duty, and now I am the only one who gets messy with the kitchen sink.  I cook more often as well, and he loves coming home to dinner on the table.  Wait, go back a bit.  Does it actually make sense for me to do more work now that I'm at home and pregnant?  I think the pregnant part probably gives me a special reward to stay off my feet, relax, and eat all day long.  Unfortunately, I do not have that life.

you'll often find me in the kitchen washing dishes

Our chores are somewhat divided among gender lines, except I tend to cross my line pretty often.  I want to be the one outside cutting the grass, but he won't let me!  He feels embarrassed if our neighbors see me doing the man's job around the house.  I also love to shovel the snow in the winter, but I was laid off shoveling duty this year due to the little Ninja.  Boo.  Often I would be the one getting the trash ready and taking it outside on trash day.  This winter I have been hibernating and leaving that task to H, which can be risky.  There are more than a few times when he forgets, and then we hear the trash truck drive right by our house the next morning. D'oh!

putting up the Christmas lights

I'll admit that there are days when I feel unappreciated.  I do a lot of chores around the house, and it's all become the norm.  I know he appreciates my hard work, but it would be nice to get more help.  I often ask him to bring stuff down to the basement or assist in heavy lifting (he won't let me since I'm carrying a Ninja).  There will be other chores that I'm incapable of doing, and I often remind him.  It can take weeks for him to get around to it, and boy does that bug me.  Actually, I'm lucky if it only takes a few weeks.  It usually takes months.

There are times when I'm constantly cleaning, and he is sitting in front of the laptop.  Oh boy does that irk me!  Luckily I can usually ask him to do a specific task, and he'll be right on it.  Maybe that makes up for him not doing anything in the first place?  I guess he can't read my mind when I glare at the back of his head.

scrubbing down the countertops

Oooh... story time!  We ran out of toothpaste in the main bathroom, and he leaves me with the empty tube.  Later that evening, he noticed that I replaced the empty tube with a new one.  He told me that he was going to remind me to replace it, but I had gotten to it before he had a chance to inform me.  Umm... he was already upstairs, and he planned on coming down to tell me that the toothpaste needed to be replaced.  Toothpaste is located in the hallway closet.  It's not that far from the bathroom, but he would have preferred to tell me to replace it.  Reminder -- I am pregnant!  Oye.

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances
Changes
Children
Wedding Regrets
Name-Change Decisions
Other Relationships

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

After I Do: Other Relationships

How has your marriage affected your relationships (with family, friends, coworkers, etc.)?  Have you noticed a change in any of your other relationships now that you're married?

Since we have been together for so long, our relationships with friends stayed the same.  We have always been a unit, and most of our friends see us that way.  We don't need to hang out with other couples to feel like we're on the same page.  We have a lot of mutual friends, which probably came about because we're inseparable.  Don't get me wrong.  I do occasionally hang out with my friends without H, and H hangs out with his friends without me.

our friends come out to celebrate a birthday and a graduation -- yipee!

With my family there has been a drastic change, but it didn't come from marriage.  It came right after H and I purchased a home together.  My parents did not accept H in the beginning.  They don't like boys of any sort, especially the ones that take their daughters away.  When I first told them that I was engaged, they treated the situation as if I told them I had a boyfriend.  They kept telling me that I'm a good catch and could do so much better.  I should get to know him first because 2.5 years certainly was not enough.  Haha.  So I asked how long my parents knew each other before getting married (either 2 weeks or 2 months), but they responded back with the fact that it's just different.  Uh huh.  Sure.

Fast forward to move in day, and my parents all of a sudden forget the past and start accepting H.  They don't mind that we're living together in "sin."  Instead they are proud of us for moving out of H's parents house.  Eh?  It has something to do with the horrors of living with your in laws, and they didn't want me to suffer.  Thanks, mom and dad.  Well everything turned around, and my parents have accepted H ever since.

Photo Courtesy of Jubilee Photography

Now I would have to say the opposite for our relationship with H's parents.  They have very high expectations from us, and we seem to always fall short.  If I did a side by side comparison of our parents, it would be surprising how relaxed and non-traditional my parents have become.  His parents, on the other hand, have been very disappointed in us.  Nothing is ever good enough.  We certainly don't do enough to reach out to them.  It's just an ugly picture all around.  Plus I haven't moved on from the regrets from our wedding day or even the long drawn out arguments over purchasing a house.  I have a feeling there will be more problems to come with the addition of a Ninja.

with H's parents after our courthouse ceremony

At the same time we are hopeful that our relationship with his parents will change.  I am hopeful that I can move on and leave the past behind (that's going to be a toughie).  I hope that H will reach out to his parents more often.  I'm usually the one who has to convince him to visit them on an occasional weekend.  It's not going to be easy, but we'll work towards it one step at a time.

I am very thankful for the great relationships that we do have with our friends and my parents.  It can be difficult at times to figure out the perfect balance and while doing so as a couple.

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances
Changes
Children
Wedding Regrets

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

After I Do: Name-Change Decisions

If you debated changing your name before the wedding, what did you eventually decide and how has it worked out for you thus far?  If you could go back and do it differently, would you have?

I thought this would be an easy decision for me, but I actually changed my mind at the last minute leading up to the wedding day.  During those 5 years of dating, I told H that I would take his name.  My name wouldn't drastically change.  I would even have the same number of letters.

Then I realized how attached I am to my name.  It is part of my identity, and I couldn't part with it.  Yes, that means every single part of my name, including that dreadfully sounding middle name.  In Chinese traditions, you can identify a generation by their middle name.  I share the same middle name with most of my sisters (the youngest being the exception).  I feel a sense of belonging and connection with my given middle name.  Also everyone in school somehow figured out my full name at some point.  I wouldn't be the same without my first, middle, and last name.

So I can't eliminate my middle name.  I also can't get rid of my last name either.  I feel even more attached to it, and it reminds me of where I came from.  I'm sure it can be a common name, but it is rare enough for me (by no means is it equivalent to Smith).  If I need to keep all of my names, then what happens to my last name?  Do I move it to the middle?  Do I add H's name to my last name to make a doubly long last name?  Do I hyphenate?  So many possibilities!

Well I went ahead and asked H what he thought of my decision.  He was on board and fully supported my change of heart.  The great thing is that we never fully discussed what I would do with my last name.  We only talked about me keeping all of my names.  A few weeks later he filled out my information to add to his insurance policy.  He decided that I would have two last names.  Oye.

I didn't exactly want that either.  I wanted to move my last name in the middle name position.  Yup, that means I have two middle names.  That way I could still keep my identity, and I can share the same last name with our children.  No worries.  I took an extra step and corrected everything that was possibly wrong with my name, and I did so through the court system.


I went to my court hearing last week, and my name change was approved.  I am currently in the process of switching my name on everything possible, and it's a lot of hard work.  Every department and company does it differently.  So far I have successfully changed my name with the government (social security administration) and my bank.  It'll be a long drawn out process, but it is so worth it.  I enjoy sharing the same last name with  my husband and soon to be Ninja.

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances
Changes
Children
Wedding Regrets

Monday, March 7, 2011

After I Do: Wedding Regrets

After your wedding, what were some of your immediate regrets in regards to the wedding day?  Now that time has gone by, do you have different/additional regrets, or do you no longer regret those initial regrets?

Hahaha.  Okay I could write a whole book just answering this one question alone, but I will try to keep it shorter (maybe just a short story instead of a novel).  I'll start out with a positive statement.  I do not regret moving up our wedding day one bit.  We had originally planned for an August wedding but moved it up to June so that H's grandmother could attend.  Her health was failing, and there was no sure way of knowing if she would be able to attend our August wedding.  She passed away in late July.  I am so glad she was there.  It made so many of our wedding problems worth going through just so that she could see us get married in front of our friends and family.

with H's grandparents on our wedding day
Photo Courtesy of Jubilee Photography

I honestly didn't have any immediate regrets after our wedding day.  I just wished that our situation would have allowed us to take a small honeymoon, even if is was somewhat local and only for a day or two.  We went straight back to work on Monday and never had time to take a break.  Gosh, we only spent a few hours in our hotel room the night of our wedding and spent the rest of our Sunday with his family.  Yeah that's not much of a break.  H had recently been hired on as a contractor (the day before our court house wedding), and he had to prove himself as a serious employee.  Going on vacation not even a week after starting doesn't exactly give a good first impression.

a whole day after being hired as a contractor, H took off to get married

Then all hell broke loose.  A few weeks after the wedding we were asked to pay for some expenses incurred at my in law's house during the Vietnamese ceremony.  Back up.  We paid for every part of our wedding minus the details at our parents' homes.  It was their tradition, and I just assumed they would foot the bill.  That bill was way smaller than what we had to pay at the reception to feed 170 guests, photography for the whole day, and every single wedding detail on our end.  Let's just say that I was not a happy camper.  Later my FIL retracted that statement, which was made by my MIL.  He knew that it wasn't right to ask us for money.  Psh.  It wasn't right that we had no financial help either, but I'm not complaining as long as no one asks me to pay  them back for wedding expenses.  There is much more to this issue, but I will leave that for another post specifically about money.

The very Asian wedding reception (that we 100% paid for) held at the Imperial Inn in Philly.
Photo Courtesy of Jubilee Photography 

Then the regrets started to seep in one at a time.  Then it pretty much piled up to the point where I just wished I had the wedding I dreamed of, not the wedding my in laws dreamed of for their son.  Yeah that wasn't my ideal wedding in any way, shape, or form.  I grew up wanting to walk down an aisle in a pretty white wedding dress.  I wanted to have a simple backyard wedding with my closest family and friends.  I wanted to enjoy the day without stressing out about fulfilling other people's expectations.  Well that didn't happen.  I ran into issues with my in laws to the point where I had no voice or opinion about my wedding day.  To spite them, I actually tossed away the idea of having bridesmaids.  Yes, they even had a say in that too.  Grrr.  It was painful, and I cried so much over every little detail they scrutinized.

Now that 9 months have passed since our wedding, my regrets remain the same.  I wish I could have stood up to my in laws.  I wish our wedding could have been about us.  I wish that everyone could have said good things about our wedding and remember it being a happy day.  I wish money was never an issue, and I wish I could have spent it the way we wanted to since we were footing the bill. 

On a happier note, I married my soul mate.  His grandmother was able to attend.  The day was full of surprises, and I was actually very happy how it all turned out by the end of the night.  It was considered a success in my eyes, even though I didn't have my dream wedding.  Now only if everything could have stopped right there.  It would have been perfect in its own imperfect way.

I love this moment.  I love my facial expression.  I love my husband.
Photo Courtesy of Jubilee Photography 

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances
Changes
Children

Friday, March 4, 2011

After I Do: Children

Are/were you and your SO on the same page when it comes to having children (or not)?  Have your views on having children (when, how many, etc.) changes since you were engaged or first married?  If so, what changed your mind/views/timeline?  Bee parents: How did you and your SO decide when you were ready to start trying to have children?  Did any specific life events influence your decision?

I am happy to report that H and I were most definitely on the same page when it came to having children.  We both wanted little versions of us running around our house.  Hehe.  The number of children change from time to time.  At first we wanted to have 2 kids.  Then I drifted towards the "at least 2 kids" side.  Right before our wedding H's fortune telling uncle predicted the number of children plus the gender.  That's when we liked the idea of having 3 kids (uncle's prediction).

We never actually set a timeline.  We just knew that we wanted to get married first (duh!).  In all of the years we were dating/engaged, we were also actively preventing.  After we got married, we no longer actively preventing, and that's how Ninja came into this world.  Hehe.  H always wanted to have kids as soon as possible.  He wants to be a young dad to be able to enjoy playing with his kids.  On the other hand, I wasn't sure if I wanted them as quickly as he did.  I think waiting a year after marriage would have given us enough time to soak in married life and enjoy our last hurrah.  Well sometimes life doesn't go according to plan.  H's fortune telling uncle was insistent on us conceiving in the 60 days following H's grandmother's passing away.  It would be good luck for us and our family.  I'm not sure why, but at that moment I wanted to start trying within the next month.  Sure, it wouldn't be within the 60 days, but I was ready (as if it was magic).  No worries.  I was already pregnant by the time I had this conversation with fortune telling uncle.  Haha. 

So we never actually came to a conclusion on when we wanted to have kids.  We just made one.  It was a pleasant surprise and came exactly at the right time.  Although technically you could say Ninja was an "accident."  I don't think he was.  Instead he wasn't planned, but we never prevented from having him either.  He is a very welcomed member to our family, and we couldn't be happier.

Hello, little Ninja!

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances
Changes

After I Do: Changes

How did your relationship change in the first year of your marriage?  When comparing day 1 of your marriage to day 365, did you sense any specific/notable changes?  If the changes were negative, what were some things you and your SO did to get back on track?

We're inching closer to our first full year of marriage, and we just passed the 9 month mark a few days ago.  The biggest change would most definitely have to be the little baby growing inside of me.  Other than that, our lives have continued just where we left off the moment before we officially said, "I do."

Adjusting to marriage is something that we spent years doing before we actually tied the knot.  We spent 2 years living together under H's parent's roof.  Then we bought a house together, opened a joint checking account, and saved up to plan and pay for our own wedding.  Marriage is all about team work, and we have been working together for many years.  We were practically married in almost every sense before our wedding date.  For some, it is against their beliefs.  For us, it just worked.  It took us years to really get to know each other.  Which one of H's habits would bug the heck out of me?  Who is responsible for laundry and washing dishes?  Who takes care of the finances?  What are our plans for our future?  All of this was established way before we officially got married.  Communication and working as a team is key.

While it is increasingly common for couples to live together before marriage, they still encounter a few changes during the first year of marriage.  Why not for us?  H asked me to marry him after a whole month of official dating.  I said "yes."  He said that it wouldn't be official until the day he could put a ring on my finger.  Hehe.  Pretty much from day one we had marriage on our minds.  We couldn't stand the thought of not being together forever.  I felt like we were engaged from that moment on, just not officially.  That would make our engagement period feel like it was almost 5 years long (it was actually 2+ years).  All along we were a unit.  It was always "we" and "ours," never "you" or just "me."  We were conscious of our future together, and all of our decisions were made accordingly.

I love where we are at in our marriage, and I cannot wait for our new little addition.  I'm sure that a family will change our lives drastically.  Maybe I'll answer this question again after Ninja is born and see how marriage is affected by a little baby.

My advice for new engaged couples -- don't use me as an example of married life.  Marriage requires a lot of hard work, and it's not simply a continuation of your dating relationship.  There are a lot of challenges and adventures to face.  We were just fortunate to have established a great line of communication and conquered most of our challenges in the 5 years we had been together before marriage.

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances

Friday, February 25, 2011

After I Do: Finances

I'm jumping on the Weddingbee bandwagon, and contributing to the "After I Do" series in my own blogging ways.  Enjoy!

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much stress does money put on your relationship?  Had it changed since the beginning of your marriage?  How do you handle your finances as a couple?  What do you think you could do to improve the way you handle your finances?

I would say we're around a 3 and only because I am the one who stresses out about money.  Marriage hasn't changed our finances too much, except that I stopped working a few months after the wedding.  We had combined our finances when we moved into the house and opened a joint checking account.  All along in our relationship my money was his money, and his money was my money.  Given, I didn't have much, but we were a unit from the beginning.

The no stress part about money comes from our lack of debt, which is amazing for us at our age.  We have paid off our student loans, haven't had a car payment in almost 2 years, and have no credit card debt.  Every month we pay off all of our bills, and we still manage to save too.  We own every single item inside our home, and it feels good to know that everything is paid off.  This is on top of the wedding we paid for back in June, buying H a used car, and getting our roof replaced in August.  We still have the mortgage and a loan ($ from down payment of the house) from H's dad to pay off, but that's "normal."  Let's just say that we are extremely lucky and smart with our money.

The stressful part would come from having only one income.  I'll admit that I didn't actually contribute much to begin with at my old job, but it did allow us to live comfortably (aka save up for a wedding & still be stingy).  The big reason why we can do everything on one income is due to H's job and a raise he received last year.  It helped us immensely, and we are doing just fine.  I am the one who stresses because it comes naturally to me.  I have always been a penny pincher (thanks mom), and it's hard for me to believe that we can really live comfortably with just one income.  Well we've been doing it for the last 7 months, and we are perfectly fine.  Sure, it would be harder if we had a big car payment to make or loans to worry about.  Luckily, we don't.

As an improvement, I would love to put more money into savings.  That's always a given.  With a little Ninja on the way, I want to make sure we have some savings for his future.  It also wouldn't hurt to have retirement money either.  H contributes to his 401k, and every little bit helps.

I know that we are in a good place in our lives financially.  There are many people out there who are suffering in this economy, and we know how fortunate we are.  It takes the two of us to make this work, and so far I can say that we're doing a great job. 

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Dry Spell But Not a Farewell

Oddly enough I have returned from my wedding blogging dry spell, but there has been a lack of my own voice here.  I have maintained my blogging through the constant inspiration I see in my Google Reader feed.  I almost feel bad that I never blogged about the rest of my wedding planning adventure like I had originally planned.  It's been 8 months since the big wedding day, and somehow I still can't come around to talking about the day.  I enjoy married life much more than wedding planning life.  While that is no excuse, I do intend to come back and give a proper recap of my wedding and the planning leading up to it.  To organize my thoughts, I will jot down everything that I want to blog about in a notebook, and hopefully that will translate to actual entries in the future.  Don't forget about me!  I'm married, but I still have a lot to write about before I can say farewell to this wedding blog.