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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Oh boy.. here it goes...

Since it's been eons since I last updated, I might as well refresh my own mind of what's been going on.

April 2009 - engaged
May 2008 - introduction to Weddingbee = daily eye candy
October 2009 - a wedding date is chosen (not by us, by the people who have almighty knowledge of lucky days)
November 2009 - parents finally meet
December 2009 - restaurant/reception is reserved
January 2010 - panic
February 2010 - cake & photography taken care of

I think that's pretty much where we left off. In all honesty, I've been bogged down by this wedding. I don't want it. There you go.. I said it! Yes, I want to marry H. I want to have a wedding to join us as husband and wife. I just want my vision of the big day, not our family's vision of it *cough*his family*cough*. That's what girls want after all, right? This is the day that little girls dream of when they're young and heavily influenced by Disney characters. I am no different. I might not want to be Cinderella on my wedding day, but I sure do want to feel like a princess. I don't need the big, expensive fancy dress. I don't need a million people in attendance. I just want it simple and a celebration of us, not everyone else.

Remember this Save the Date reminder? (not the actual STD)

I have Save the Dates that are ready to be sent with postage and all. Guess where they're at? It's in my desk drawer, and I won't let them come out. I figure that if I don't send it, then I can pretend that the wedding doesn't have to happen. That's wishful thinking on my part. We've had the Save the Dates for a month. They're supposed to be sent out 6 months in advance, and it's the less than 5 month mark. Along with Save the Dates collecting dust, I've stopped thinking about the wedding altogether for the past month. I refuse to think about it because I get stressed out beyond belief. It is horrible, and I will not face my problems. I want to push back all wedding related thoughts into a dark corner and never have to revisit them. It's my solution. Okay it's not a very good one.

So what's the first thing a normal person (emphasis on normal) do in my situation? Talk to the future Hubs, right? Well I've done that on numerous occasions. I even remember breaking down last summer because I just realized that this was not the wedding I wanted. The conversation/argument consisted of him telling me that this is his vision of the perfect wedding day, and I can't do anything about it (slight exaggeration). This is what his family wants. What about my family? My parents are the total opposite, and they only request that a few people be invited on top of the very small guest list for my side of the family. What about having a very Chinese/Vietnamese wedding? Oh they'll go along with it, but they have not pushed a single thing on us.

Let's pretend that I'm a normal person again. I have brought up the wedding topic numerous times since, and I just end up frustrated with tears. The answer is always the same. He'll try to accommodate, and I'm never satisfied. I have to hear about the next new thing his parents want to bring up, and I try to hide in my corner. It's a painstaking process, and I think I've given up.

Here's an example. His parents mentioned bridesmaids, and his mom wanted me to have my bridesmaids try on Vietnamese traditional dresses (Áo Dài). Her friend was going to Vietnam in a week, and I needed them to come to the house asap. Of course they also tell me that H's sister cannot be in my bridal party due to Chinese traditions. Umm.. hello, I'm the Chinese one. Can't I decide what traditions I want and do not want to include? I'll take the chances and have an unlucky marriage just so that H's sister can be my bridesmaid. Well it gets worse. I tell her that my best friend Brippy is in New York, and there's no way she can get fitted. Oh okay, then let's consider her out of contention. Yup, that's right. My best friend was nixed because of that. What about my little sister? Well she's 14 years old, and I don't really get along with her. So it makes no sense at all that his parents would suggest for her to be my Maid of Honor.

I participated in a Vietnamese wedding in Dec 2007. I wore a Áo Dài at the request of H's mom, and I was fine being a guest at a Vietnamese wedding. This wedding also had bridesmaids wearing their normal coordinated American dresses. Sigh.

Get this.. we're not even having a traditional American, walk down the aisle ceremony due to time constraint and no one is even recognizing the need for one (except me). So my question is why do I need bridesmaids at all? So I'm putting up a fight. They've asked again, and I have told H's parents that I don't need them. Their response? "Well then you'll have a Maid of Honor then?" Nope. Nada. I don't think they took that too well.

So this is just one example of the stress I have to deal with. In that example alone, I have introduced my lack of a bridal party and American ceremony. It sucks. This wedding sucks. I have lost all of my excitement because this isn't the wedding I ever dreamed of.

What is my dream? I just want a small intimate wedding with our closest family and friends. I want to get married in the court house in the morning and have a small get together at the house to celebrate at night. I want it in the backyard, and I want our guests to have a good time. I want to emphasize that this day is about the celebration of our union and love for one another. Traditions are sometimes meant to be broken. Weddings are unique. No two weddings should ever be alike because no two sets of couples are ever alike. We're all unique. Weddings can incorporate traditions and also start new ones.

Is that too much to ask for?