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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

After I Do: Leave and Cleave

Leave and Cleave - Some people have trouble leaving and cleaving --  that is, they have difficulty adjusting to making their NEW family with their spouse as the primary family.  What was that transition like for you?  And how did your family of origin handle it?

Even though I knew H was the one for me when we first started dating over 5 years ago, I only knew how it felt to want to marry him.  I knew how it felt to be a team and to be on the same side.  Marriage didn't change that much for us because we had experienced most aspects of married life before saying, "I do."  The actual feeling of being a family settled in only recently for me.  Sure, you could say the physical addition of a baby would make us feel more like a family.  Even without the baby in my tummy, I feel like a family unit now more than ever before.

This is the start of our lives, and we are our own family now.  It is recognized through marriage by the ones around us.  Our priorities are to each other, and we take care of one another.  That doesn't mean that our parents don't mean anything to us anymore.  It just means that we need to take care of ourselves first sometimes.  It means that we have to focus on our relationship and our needs.

I know that it might sound silly, especially to our parents.  My in-laws would love for us to stop thinking about ourselves and to think about the families we came from.  What about our newly formed family of two?  They want us to call often, visit without being asked, and to invite them over every now and then.  Then we feel super guilty when it's been a few weeks without a visit, and I don't want to feel that guilt.  I want them to think of us as a family, one that may be busy on the weekends and unable to visit all the time.  We have priorities to get the house ready for our Ninja.  We need to enjoy the limited time to ourselves that we have before Ninja's arrival as well.  These are our needs, and I would love if my in-laws could see that too.

As for my parents, they do recognize us as a family unit.  They used to invite us over for dinner fairly often, but now they know that we can't visit as often anymore due to changes in our lives.  Instead my parents might make us some food and bring it over because they know we're busy.  Somehow they are very understanding in ways that I never knew possible years ago.

So now we're a family, and we're a growing family too.  Our needs will constantly change.  Our priorities will always be to one another.  We will never forget where we came from, and our parents will always be an important part of our lives.

our small family of three :)

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances
Changes
Children
Wedding Regrets
Name-Change Decisions
Household Chores
First Anniversary

Friday, March 11, 2011

After I Do: First Anniversary

How did you celebrate your first anniversary?  If you exchanged gifts, what did you get each other?

Since we have not reached our first year anniversary, I cannot tell you exactly what will happen.  I have a feeling that it will just be a relaxed evening at home with our little Ninja.  We'll break out the top layer of our wedding cake that has been resting in the freezer for the past year.  It'll be an interesting food experience.  I don't think either one of us has had year old cake before.  It'll be very low key.

Photo Courtesy of Jubilee Photography

I will admit that neither one of us thought that we would have a new addition in our family before our one year anniversary.  That does affect the way we will celebrate.  We can't exactly go on that honeymoon that we missed out on.  Having a family will change our priorities.

As for gifts, we're pretty content on the gifts we gave each other on our wedding day.  No need for anniversary gifts.  Now our money goes towards our family.  Oh how much changes when you fully become a responsible adult.  :)

I wonder if our wedding anniversary will one day be the only anniversary that we celebrate.  Currently we forget about the wedding, and we still celebrate our dating anniversary.  It's weird, but it still holds a very special place in our hearts.

at my sister's wedding -- our first month of dating

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances
Changes
Children
Wedding Regrets
Name-Change Decisions
Household Chores

Thursday, March 10, 2011

After I Do: Household Chores

How do you divide up the household chores?  Did it change, once you were married?  Do you divide your chores along gender lines/traditional stereotypes?  If so, was it intentional?

I can say that I pull a lot of weight in the household chores.  It's my natural tendency to want to clean and not be a slob.  That being said, H is more of the laid back type.  He usually makes the mess, and I'm there to clean up after him.  I wash the dishes, sweep the floors, do laundry, and all the basic stuff to keep the house tidy.  H does the manly stuff of sorts -- works on the car, cuts the grass, repairs what is broken, and occasionally listens to me when I ask him to help me.  We share cooking duty, and we both have our own special dishes that we individually make.  I will not clean toilets, and H will get to them after I ask him about a dozen times.  Hehe.

H hard at work replacing the broken garage opener

Marriage didn't change our roles, but my pregnancy did toss it up a bit.  Since I stayed at home, it made more sense for me to carry an extra load.  Before H would occasionally be in charge of dish washing duty, and now I am the only one who gets messy with the kitchen sink.  I cook more often as well, and he loves coming home to dinner on the table.  Wait, go back a bit.  Does it actually make sense for me to do more work now that I'm at home and pregnant?  I think the pregnant part probably gives me a special reward to stay off my feet, relax, and eat all day long.  Unfortunately, I do not have that life.

you'll often find me in the kitchen washing dishes

Our chores are somewhat divided among gender lines, except I tend to cross my line pretty often.  I want to be the one outside cutting the grass, but he won't let me!  He feels embarrassed if our neighbors see me doing the man's job around the house.  I also love to shovel the snow in the winter, but I was laid off shoveling duty this year due to the little Ninja.  Boo.  Often I would be the one getting the trash ready and taking it outside on trash day.  This winter I have been hibernating and leaving that task to H, which can be risky.  There are more than a few times when he forgets, and then we hear the trash truck drive right by our house the next morning. D'oh!

putting up the Christmas lights

I'll admit that there are days when I feel unappreciated.  I do a lot of chores around the house, and it's all become the norm.  I know he appreciates my hard work, but it would be nice to get more help.  I often ask him to bring stuff down to the basement or assist in heavy lifting (he won't let me since I'm carrying a Ninja).  There will be other chores that I'm incapable of doing, and I often remind him.  It can take weeks for him to get around to it, and boy does that bug me.  Actually, I'm lucky if it only takes a few weeks.  It usually takes months.

There are times when I'm constantly cleaning, and he is sitting in front of the laptop.  Oh boy does that irk me!  Luckily I can usually ask him to do a specific task, and he'll be right on it.  Maybe that makes up for him not doing anything in the first place?  I guess he can't read my mind when I glare at the back of his head.

scrubbing down the countertops

Oooh... story time!  We ran out of toothpaste in the main bathroom, and he leaves me with the empty tube.  Later that evening, he noticed that I replaced the empty tube with a new one.  He told me that he was going to remind me to replace it, but I had gotten to it before he had a chance to inform me.  Umm... he was already upstairs, and he planned on coming down to tell me that the toothpaste needed to be replaced.  Toothpaste is located in the hallway closet.  It's not that far from the bathroom, but he would have preferred to tell me to replace it.  Reminder -- I am pregnant!  Oye.

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances
Changes
Children
Wedding Regrets
Name-Change Decisions
Other Relationships

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

After I Do: Other Relationships

How has your marriage affected your relationships (with family, friends, coworkers, etc.)?  Have you noticed a change in any of your other relationships now that you're married?

Since we have been together for so long, our relationships with friends stayed the same.  We have always been a unit, and most of our friends see us that way.  We don't need to hang out with other couples to feel like we're on the same page.  We have a lot of mutual friends, which probably came about because we're inseparable.  Don't get me wrong.  I do occasionally hang out with my friends without H, and H hangs out with his friends without me.

our friends come out to celebrate a birthday and a graduation -- yipee!

With my family there has been a drastic change, but it didn't come from marriage.  It came right after H and I purchased a home together.  My parents did not accept H in the beginning.  They don't like boys of any sort, especially the ones that take their daughters away.  When I first told them that I was engaged, they treated the situation as if I told them I had a boyfriend.  They kept telling me that I'm a good catch and could do so much better.  I should get to know him first because 2.5 years certainly was not enough.  Haha.  So I asked how long my parents knew each other before getting married (either 2 weeks or 2 months), but they responded back with the fact that it's just different.  Uh huh.  Sure.

Fast forward to move in day, and my parents all of a sudden forget the past and start accepting H.  They don't mind that we're living together in "sin."  Instead they are proud of us for moving out of H's parents house.  Eh?  It has something to do with the horrors of living with your in laws, and they didn't want me to suffer.  Thanks, mom and dad.  Well everything turned around, and my parents have accepted H ever since.

Photo Courtesy of Jubilee Photography

Now I would have to say the opposite for our relationship with H's parents.  They have very high expectations from us, and we seem to always fall short.  If I did a side by side comparison of our parents, it would be surprising how relaxed and non-traditional my parents have become.  His parents, on the other hand, have been very disappointed in us.  Nothing is ever good enough.  We certainly don't do enough to reach out to them.  It's just an ugly picture all around.  Plus I haven't moved on from the regrets from our wedding day or even the long drawn out arguments over purchasing a house.  I have a feeling there will be more problems to come with the addition of a Ninja.

with H's parents after our courthouse ceremony

At the same time we are hopeful that our relationship with his parents will change.  I am hopeful that I can move on and leave the past behind (that's going to be a toughie).  I hope that H will reach out to his parents more often.  I'm usually the one who has to convince him to visit them on an occasional weekend.  It's not going to be easy, but we'll work towards it one step at a time.

I am very thankful for the great relationships that we do have with our friends and my parents.  It can be difficult at times to figure out the perfect balance and while doing so as a couple.

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances
Changes
Children
Wedding Regrets

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

After I Do: Name-Change Decisions

If you debated changing your name before the wedding, what did you eventually decide and how has it worked out for you thus far?  If you could go back and do it differently, would you have?

I thought this would be an easy decision for me, but I actually changed my mind at the last minute leading up to the wedding day.  During those 5 years of dating, I told H that I would take his name.  My name wouldn't drastically change.  I would even have the same number of letters.

Then I realized how attached I am to my name.  It is part of my identity, and I couldn't part with it.  Yes, that means every single part of my name, including that dreadfully sounding middle name.  In Chinese traditions, you can identify a generation by their middle name.  I share the same middle name with most of my sisters (the youngest being the exception).  I feel a sense of belonging and connection with my given middle name.  Also everyone in school somehow figured out my full name at some point.  I wouldn't be the same without my first, middle, and last name.

So I can't eliminate my middle name.  I also can't get rid of my last name either.  I feel even more attached to it, and it reminds me of where I came from.  I'm sure it can be a common name, but it is rare enough for me (by no means is it equivalent to Smith).  If I need to keep all of my names, then what happens to my last name?  Do I move it to the middle?  Do I add H's name to my last name to make a doubly long last name?  Do I hyphenate?  So many possibilities!

Well I went ahead and asked H what he thought of my decision.  He was on board and fully supported my change of heart.  The great thing is that we never fully discussed what I would do with my last name.  We only talked about me keeping all of my names.  A few weeks later he filled out my information to add to his insurance policy.  He decided that I would have two last names.  Oye.

I didn't exactly want that either.  I wanted to move my last name in the middle name position.  Yup, that means I have two middle names.  That way I could still keep my identity, and I can share the same last name with our children.  No worries.  I took an extra step and corrected everything that was possibly wrong with my name, and I did so through the court system.


I went to my court hearing last week, and my name change was approved.  I am currently in the process of switching my name on everything possible, and it's a lot of hard work.  Every department and company does it differently.  So far I have successfully changed my name with the government (social security administration) and my bank.  It'll be a long drawn out process, but it is so worth it.  I enjoy sharing the same last name with  my husband and soon to be Ninja.

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances
Changes
Children
Wedding Regrets

Monday, March 7, 2011

After I Do: Wedding Regrets

After your wedding, what were some of your immediate regrets in regards to the wedding day?  Now that time has gone by, do you have different/additional regrets, or do you no longer regret those initial regrets?

Hahaha.  Okay I could write a whole book just answering this one question alone, but I will try to keep it shorter (maybe just a short story instead of a novel).  I'll start out with a positive statement.  I do not regret moving up our wedding day one bit.  We had originally planned for an August wedding but moved it up to June so that H's grandmother could attend.  Her health was failing, and there was no sure way of knowing if she would be able to attend our August wedding.  She passed away in late July.  I am so glad she was there.  It made so many of our wedding problems worth going through just so that she could see us get married in front of our friends and family.

with H's grandparents on our wedding day
Photo Courtesy of Jubilee Photography

I honestly didn't have any immediate regrets after our wedding day.  I just wished that our situation would have allowed us to take a small honeymoon, even if is was somewhat local and only for a day or two.  We went straight back to work on Monday and never had time to take a break.  Gosh, we only spent a few hours in our hotel room the night of our wedding and spent the rest of our Sunday with his family.  Yeah that's not much of a break.  H had recently been hired on as a contractor (the day before our court house wedding), and he had to prove himself as a serious employee.  Going on vacation not even a week after starting doesn't exactly give a good first impression.

a whole day after being hired as a contractor, H took off to get married

Then all hell broke loose.  A few weeks after the wedding we were asked to pay for some expenses incurred at my in law's house during the Vietnamese ceremony.  Back up.  We paid for every part of our wedding minus the details at our parents' homes.  It was their tradition, and I just assumed they would foot the bill.  That bill was way smaller than what we had to pay at the reception to feed 170 guests, photography for the whole day, and every single wedding detail on our end.  Let's just say that I was not a happy camper.  Later my FIL retracted that statement, which was made by my MIL.  He knew that it wasn't right to ask us for money.  Psh.  It wasn't right that we had no financial help either, but I'm not complaining as long as no one asks me to pay  them back for wedding expenses.  There is much more to this issue, but I will leave that for another post specifically about money.

The very Asian wedding reception (that we 100% paid for) held at the Imperial Inn in Philly.
Photo Courtesy of Jubilee Photography 

Then the regrets started to seep in one at a time.  Then it pretty much piled up to the point where I just wished I had the wedding I dreamed of, not the wedding my in laws dreamed of for their son.  Yeah that wasn't my ideal wedding in any way, shape, or form.  I grew up wanting to walk down an aisle in a pretty white wedding dress.  I wanted to have a simple backyard wedding with my closest family and friends.  I wanted to enjoy the day without stressing out about fulfilling other people's expectations.  Well that didn't happen.  I ran into issues with my in laws to the point where I had no voice or opinion about my wedding day.  To spite them, I actually tossed away the idea of having bridesmaids.  Yes, they even had a say in that too.  Grrr.  It was painful, and I cried so much over every little detail they scrutinized.

Now that 9 months have passed since our wedding, my regrets remain the same.  I wish I could have stood up to my in laws.  I wish our wedding could have been about us.  I wish that everyone could have said good things about our wedding and remember it being a happy day.  I wish money was never an issue, and I wish I could have spent it the way we wanted to since we were footing the bill. 

On a happier note, I married my soul mate.  His grandmother was able to attend.  The day was full of surprises, and I was actually very happy how it all turned out by the end of the night.  It was considered a success in my eyes, even though I didn't have my dream wedding.  Now only if everything could have stopped right there.  It would have been perfect in its own imperfect way.

I love this moment.  I love my facial expression.  I love my husband.
Photo Courtesy of Jubilee Photography 

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances
Changes
Children

Friday, March 4, 2011

After I Do: Children

Are/were you and your SO on the same page when it comes to having children (or not)?  Have your views on having children (when, how many, etc.) changes since you were engaged or first married?  If so, what changed your mind/views/timeline?  Bee parents: How did you and your SO decide when you were ready to start trying to have children?  Did any specific life events influence your decision?

I am happy to report that H and I were most definitely on the same page when it came to having children.  We both wanted little versions of us running around our house.  Hehe.  The number of children change from time to time.  At first we wanted to have 2 kids.  Then I drifted towards the "at least 2 kids" side.  Right before our wedding H's fortune telling uncle predicted the number of children plus the gender.  That's when we liked the idea of having 3 kids (uncle's prediction).

We never actually set a timeline.  We just knew that we wanted to get married first (duh!).  In all of the years we were dating/engaged, we were also actively preventing.  After we got married, we no longer actively preventing, and that's how Ninja came into this world.  Hehe.  H always wanted to have kids as soon as possible.  He wants to be a young dad to be able to enjoy playing with his kids.  On the other hand, I wasn't sure if I wanted them as quickly as he did.  I think waiting a year after marriage would have given us enough time to soak in married life and enjoy our last hurrah.  Well sometimes life doesn't go according to plan.  H's fortune telling uncle was insistent on us conceiving in the 60 days following H's grandmother's passing away.  It would be good luck for us and our family.  I'm not sure why, but at that moment I wanted to start trying within the next month.  Sure, it wouldn't be within the 60 days, but I was ready (as if it was magic).  No worries.  I was already pregnant by the time I had this conversation with fortune telling uncle.  Haha. 

So we never actually came to a conclusion on when we wanted to have kids.  We just made one.  It was a pleasant surprise and came exactly at the right time.  Although technically you could say Ninja was an "accident."  I don't think he was.  Instead he wasn't planned, but we never prevented from having him either.  He is a very welcomed member to our family, and we couldn't be happier.

Hello, little Ninja!

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances
Changes

After I Do: Changes

How did your relationship change in the first year of your marriage?  When comparing day 1 of your marriage to day 365, did you sense any specific/notable changes?  If the changes were negative, what were some things you and your SO did to get back on track?

We're inching closer to our first full year of marriage, and we just passed the 9 month mark a few days ago.  The biggest change would most definitely have to be the little baby growing inside of me.  Other than that, our lives have continued just where we left off the moment before we officially said, "I do."

Adjusting to marriage is something that we spent years doing before we actually tied the knot.  We spent 2 years living together under H's parent's roof.  Then we bought a house together, opened a joint checking account, and saved up to plan and pay for our own wedding.  Marriage is all about team work, and we have been working together for many years.  We were practically married in almost every sense before our wedding date.  For some, it is against their beliefs.  For us, it just worked.  It took us years to really get to know each other.  Which one of H's habits would bug the heck out of me?  Who is responsible for laundry and washing dishes?  Who takes care of the finances?  What are our plans for our future?  All of this was established way before we officially got married.  Communication and working as a team is key.

While it is increasingly common for couples to live together before marriage, they still encounter a few changes during the first year of marriage.  Why not for us?  H asked me to marry him after a whole month of official dating.  I said "yes."  He said that it wouldn't be official until the day he could put a ring on my finger.  Hehe.  Pretty much from day one we had marriage on our minds.  We couldn't stand the thought of not being together forever.  I felt like we were engaged from that moment on, just not officially.  That would make our engagement period feel like it was almost 5 years long (it was actually 2+ years).  All along we were a unit.  It was always "we" and "ours," never "you" or just "me."  We were conscious of our future together, and all of our decisions were made accordingly.

I love where we are at in our marriage, and I cannot wait for our new little addition.  I'm sure that a family will change our lives drastically.  Maybe I'll answer this question again after Ninja is born and see how marriage is affected by a little baby.

My advice for new engaged couples -- don't use me as an example of married life.  Marriage requires a lot of hard work, and it's not simply a continuation of your dating relationship.  There are a lot of challenges and adventures to face.  We were just fortunate to have established a great line of communication and conquered most of our challenges in the 5 years we had been together before marriage.

Check out other responses from the famous bees themselves over here!

After I Do:
Finances